Breast Cancer Awhat?

Ok ok, everyone knows that October is breast cancer awareness, right? Well let me clue you in on a few things of which you still may not be aware of in this month of awareness...Did you know that if your mother has or had been diagnosed with cancer, as a woman, you are supposed to get yearly mammograms starting five to seven years before her age when she was diagnosed. (So if your mother was diagnosed at 40, you should start getting them annually when you are 33-35) That's what happened to me. Luckily, when i was in my early thirties, i had a regular doctor and with her referral was able to get a free exam at my local YWCA. (Because of course, even with a doctors referral, insurance would not pay for it at such a young age.) At 37 I found myself in somewhat of a decent job that offered slightly better insurance. As soon as i could, i found myself another doctor and explained my family history to her as well. Of course she referred me to get another mammogram as well as a scolding for not keeping it up every year. The Y had ceased it's program of free mammograms and besides, i had insurance that said they would pay for it this time around. I went. And low and behold, something showed up. Telling me not to panic as they couldn't exactly tell me what it was but it was the size of a jelly bean and the best we could all do is wait six months.
Wait six months?! What? Don't panic! Huh? But i did my best and sure enough six months to the day i went back to see if my abnormality was acting.... well, normal. Went in for a sonogram. Laid on the table and still more waiting. If you've never been in a situation like that let me tell you, it is singlehandedly the most frightened i had ever been. Waiting to hear if i was normal... or if my body was diseased. It's heart pounding and yet somehow.... very still at the same time.
But i did it. I was a good girl, i bit my nails for six long months and went in for my follow up exam. And how happy was i when she told me the mass had not grown. And she was "pretty sure" there was nothing to worry about, but yippee for me it was time to start getting the exams every six months instead of every year... just in case.
I was so relieved. I didn't care about anything else. Was i the most healthy person in the world? Well, no, but i didn't have cancer.
And i have to share a little secret with you now. It has been my life long fear that i would die before i celebrated my 40th birthday. My maternal grandmother died of cancer before she turned 60. Her sister died of cancer before she turned 60. My mother died of breast cancer before she turned 50 and following suit with the women in my family, i feared i would not see the candles on my 40th birthday cake... so hearing at 37 that my boobs were just as awesome as i and my boyfriend thought they were, well, i was on cloud nine.
The celebration was somewhat short lived when of course the bill came. Insurance would not pay for my follow up mammogram. Sure it was doctor referred. Sure i had sufficient reason to go back, but you see, cancer runs in my family, my mother, as i mentioned above, died of it, therefore it's in my genes... therefore... yep folks they said it. They declared it a "preexisting condition" i shit you not. So luckily i got my stimulus check right around the time they were going to take me to court.
Crisis one and two averted....
But i was being aware. Just like we are taught in school. From junior high on that awareness is the key.
I'm sad to say that was the last time i had an exam.
I lost my job with the great insurance (that didn't pay anyway) in the fall of the economy. And with no insurance, (and no dependents) just try to get any kind of exam at the local "free" clinic. Yeah, not so free, not so available as you'd think.
Recently, within the last 6 months, i found another "abnormality" in the same jelly bean holdin boob. It scared me, i cried. I worried. Who's gonna help me foot the bill for a mammogram now? Well, i'll tell you who....
But first let me tell you the two ways all this could have been easier.
1. If i had a dependent child.
See, i've always been a good girl when it comes to birth control. I'm very careful as i do not have the financial means to support a baby. I barely can keep my cat in food, and luckily her kitty litter is far cheaper than diapers!!! So being mature, i have always seen to it that i not bring a child into this world whilst i am so ill prepared. Who knew if i would have just once said, "sure the hell with it, don't get a condom, i'll skip my pill, who needs it, let's just go with it if i get pregnant we'll deal with it" i would be able to get medicare. And medicare will pay for mammograms. Don't get me wrong, i am glad we have programs out there for women (and men) who are raising kids in this day and age, but why am i punished for trying to use my head and do what's right for my baby especially if what's right is the choice not to bring it into this world
2. If my parents would have followed (or i guess in this case proceeded rather) the same train of thinking
and had me when they were so poor (and luckily resourceful) they were at times living on less than one dollar a week for a food budget. If only a few years earlier they would have had a kid before they thought they could support her... i would be over 40 and able to get free services.
But you know who wants to help when you are 39 and scared shitless that you have a disease you fear will take you before 40? Absolutely fucking no one.
I thought i had found a program and a highly advertised program at that. That travels around and gives not just mammograms, but also pelvic exams to women in my situation. Now don't get me wrong, i usually do not find the aspect of pelvic exams inviting... telling me i'll have to get into some kind of van to have (hopefully) a doctor i don't know from Adam pokin around down there and well, usually i would accuse you of a bizarre porn set up! But i actually was excited about it. Relieved that i was going to get checked out and hoping for a clean bill of health.
I spoke to the woman twice on the phone. Real nice lady. She took all my info and set my appointment. Then she called me the week of to remind me and make sure i had received the information packet on everything needed for me exam, which i had and i thanked her over and over.
Then i received the third call. The night before my exam. She called me 15 minutes before she left her office for the day and unfortunately i was not able to get the call, she got my voice mail.
Where she let me know that in looking at my paperwork. (The same paperwork she filled out for my the first time i called, about a month earlier) she noticed I was not yet 40. So she advised me if that was wrong... just show up. If not, then give her a call after i turn 40.
So now, i am reminded with every smiling faced woman on the commercials who advise women to remember getting their mammograms. All the requests for donations so women of all walks of life and economic status can get exams. All the charities designed to keep women abreast (pun intended) of their bodies and what's going on within them. All the pink ribbons for awareness.... I am more aware than ever that "early detection" should be followed by "those who can afford it" or "those we deem worthy of"
I'm still 39. Still scared, and feel each day going by I'm a ticking bomb. A ticking bomb just waiting to go off. A ticking bomb wrapped in a big satiny pink glittered ribbon....

In the beginning...

People used to comment on my innocence. Not my naivety, but my genuine honest innocence. This unintentional trait of mine worked in my favor. Not just because i was an honest to goodness sweet girl, but because at age 29 people thought i was 10 years younger.
I used to be as sweet as Cotton Candy.
Until nine years ago today.
I was trying to come up with a good way to start my new blog. A collection of thoughts and stories that sum up my crazy life. I have been told i can go from "Cotton Candy to Red Hot in Sixty Seconds" Which says a lot about my passions in life.
I figured today would be as good as any as September 11, 2001 was probably the first day that happened.
Let me tell you now, i'm not the most educated of all people. To be honest, at the time, i was indeed pretty damn naive to the real world and it's evil workings. I thought people were by nature good. I thought people always did for their neighbor. and mistakenly, i thought no one would ever hurt my country.
I had woken up somewhat early for a day off and heard my room mate in the shower already. I pulled myself to the edge of my bed and turned on the television. At the time we had the prime digital cable and watched a lot of BBC America. Shows like "This Life" and "East Enders" were my guilty pleasure. Not to mention the great music shows where i could see all my favorite bands.
So when i turned on the channel and saw the pretty British woman talking about a car bomb going off in Washington DC i thought nothing of it.
When they jumped to the film of the twin towers, both engulfed in smoke and the sounds of people rushing around. My only thought was what movie is this? It got my attention and within moments i realized it wasn't some bad poorly acted Armageddon post apocalyptic flick, but rather real life.
At the time, that's the story i received, a plane crashed into the World Trade Center. (World Trade Center, that sounded familiar, isn't that the place that they attempted to bomb one year? The subway i think?) And it was unclear but they were trying to get confirmation that a car bomb had gone off in Washington DC.
It was real...
I went to the bathroom door as soon as i heard the shower stop and told my room mate through the door...
The rest was a blur to me.
I vaguely remember my room mate trying to calm me down, telling me the world wasn't ending and doing the best to her ability to explain the madness to me. The horror.
I took her to work and her boss said they were closing for the day. They told everyone to go home to their loved ones and celebrate life, or some sort of shit like that.
In our apartment, my roommate just tried to explain the world to me. The bad world i had so far managed to shelter myself from. The evil world full of evil intent. Not that she said any of it that way.
On that day i learned the evil men do.
On that day i learned that everything i had thought was wrong. Everything i comprehended was twisted.
Everything wasn't cotton candy.